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I Defend the Dead End

Nobody asked me how I’m doing

but if they did I would lie anyway

because if I said what I really felt

I would scream or be completely silent.

Whenever I try to think about it

my thoughts just get in the way.

But I will make this confession

if it’s the last thing I ever say.

I am alone in my mind and my body

no matter where I go or what I do.

I don’t want any healing

or wisdom from anyone.

I thought I knew what was missing

Until I found it. Wanting.

What do I do now?

I fool myself, to prove myself...

Wrong? Right? It doesn’t matter.

I have no more questions,

I am sick of the answers.

I would die to save my soul,

but my soul died to save me instead.

I keep trying to surrender

But it doesn’t stop the fighting.

I eat myself alive every day,

yet somehow I’m still starving.

I will die on a quiet, icy night in the desert

where the stars are at arms length above me.

I will wander out there with no water.

I only feel alive when I am close to death.

To shed every memory of this life.

But I am forced to settle for this

dreadful life so loud and bright,

so full of pain and excitement

that I find no home to rest in.

Another New Year

The Art of History

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